Growing up my dad occasionally worked the night shift. Through my child perspective, it was awesome. It was the only time I was allowed to sleep in my parents’ bedroom at nighttime. Their bed seemed massive and luxurious, and it was a special treat for me when those nights popped up on the calendar. I would always sleep on my dad’s side – keeping it warm until he arrived back home. When I crawled into bed next to my mom the night my dad passed, I couldn’t help but think back to my little girl self. Borrowing my dad’s side of the bed was…
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My mom called. Her voice was different. The fear and concern were palpable. I don’t remember her asking. I just remember telling her we’d be there. I talked to my brother and sister immediately, we organized who’d drive with whom, and we were there by my parents’ sides. It was surreal. I felt the heaviness of that Intensive Care Unit immediately. There was a cruel sadness and desperation that permeated the floor. Faint sounds of beeping in between pain and distress. It was quiet – just a low hum of activity until it was fiercely interrupted by a wail of tears, or the sound of chairs scratching…
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Life can be really brutal sometimes. Heart wrenching and unbearably difficult. It can feel like an insufferable heavy weight that is holding down any semblance of warmth, happiness or joy. It’s like the inner light has run its course and dims ever so slightly day after day until it feels like any moment it can distinguish entirely. This January I willed that light to stay – if only to manifest through the light of their fourth and sixth birthday candles. My dad was sick. He was diagnosed with stage four small cell lung cancer February 2022. We were all there. My dad, mom, brother, sister and…